Exploring the true self - even at the cost of a relationship breakdown?

It took me a long time to get to know myself. I remember, I had been living in Ireland for 5 years and; most of them miserable, as I missed home and my friends. The only thing keeping me here was my ex. I had literally slotted myself into another's life without my own family, friends, hobbies and a proper career. I has been accepted into a prestigious bodywork school in Helsinki a year before, but had turned it down as I was convinced that my relationship with my ex-husband was the most important thing.

Looking back at it; I had given up what meant everything to me; horses included. I was living in the suburbs, not driving and poor public transport left me with little ability to even get away to the countryside which I so loved.

Bottom line: I was living someone else's life in exchange to a relationship.

So, 5 years into it I got sick of being miserable and lonely. No, I had no desire to sit in the pubs and talking to my ex's friends' girlfriends and wives about nail polish and hair. I wanted real friends. I wanted a real career. I wanted to live in the country and I wanted horses and dogs and everything! Most importantly, I wanted to be loved for who I was, not who I was supposed to be.

That year; 2002, I started to study bodywork in Ireland. I got myself a driver's license and I started to get my own friends. It was a year of exploration of self and what was important to me.

2003 I got my bodywork qualifications, started to practise and really allow myself to come forth. I truly believe that the opening with the bodywork to my stream was the key to everything else to follow. It started the flow; it allowed me to explore myself, my abilities, my likes and dis-likes, I got to meet and help amazing people and to this day; every client I see amazes and delights me.

Needless to say, he didn't want the same things. Yes, I'm divorced now, but my life is perfect. I have my home in the country which I share with my dog and my cat. I have 5 delightful horses who keep teaching me more and more about myself every day. I have a successful career in bodywork; clinic, colleagues working with me, and last but not least; I have the most beautiful friends in my life. I am truly happy and my heart sings from fullness of love and appreciation.

To share this happiness with another; this bliss; would be lovely, but it's not necessary. I will never again compromise what's important to me; this life that I've created, and these relationships that I've co-created. But for sure; there's room for one more to join in! ;)

As always; I keep the intention remembering that the timing is none of my business.

 Can you see my halo - Liberty Bell

 Part of the herd

 Kit

Welcome home

Love,
M

Touch

Touch

The silent message
with the power of a steam train
the lover's reminder of soul connection.


Touch

Inside burning
sensation of wanting
to go with another.


Touch

The meaning of everything
the knowing of bodies
evidence of life.


To be touched is to live.

Love,
M

You're irrelevant to my alignment but very important to me

Until we accept the fact that the only person we'll ever be with our whole lives is ourselves and start to follow our own path, we cannot be fully satisfied. To live through another person only inevitably brings on resentment and depletion of an individual's self worth. 

We need to be self focused, and it's only the people who do not have a great relationship with themselves that see the self focused people as selfish. When you see selfishness around you, it's a clear indication of the fact that you've given too much OF yourself, rather than filling yourself up to fullness and then overflowing for others. 

Once you find a relationship, an equal one, where both parties take responsibility of their own feelings, their own alignment and own direction, you can start to build a co-creative future together. On the other side of the coin, if you have to fight for your voice to be heard, and if you need games to feel somewhat empowered, you know you're not open for a source relationship to arrive.

Although the Divine Feminine knows that no relationship is in vein, as there are teachings to be had from all of them, she encourages everyone not to compromise themselves in the process. 

Too many people are happy to give OF themselves,  make themselves a martyr, just to feel important. To release martyrdom is to accept self and all one's desires without judgement. Then it's time to ALLOW. 

If you feel judgemental towards another, they're just a decoy to take your eyes off yourself. Remember, no matter how much we feel judged by another, you can bet your bottom dollar that they're a hundred times more judgemental about themselves. We are our own worst critics. 

It's time to love self, to accept self, to make self right. It's time to connect to the most important person in your  life - YOU. 

From that place of self love and acceptance arise all other relationships. All your existing relationships are a reflection of how you feel about yourself just now. That can change any time. To have a significant other is lovely, and the only way of attracting a source relationship is to be connected to source (self) first, without needing another to fulfil us. 

You, my (future) lover ARE important to me, but my connection to my source is my priority. Without that connection, I have nothing real to give you. 

I love you.

M 

Through the eyes of the Divine Feminine.

Wicked Games - Jealousy Pt1

I used to be jealous. I was so worried about being left for something better that I saw everybody as a threat. It was so binding, sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe.

It wasn't until I realised my full worth, that jealousy became irrelevant.

Once again I was communicating with my then "significant other" feeling like he was paying too much and the "wrong kind" of attention to another woman. I was feeling particularly bad about myself, worthless, tired and I needed his support which I didn't feel I was getting. I flipped out and went straight to the childhood feelings of being unimportant - to my core.

First I started shouting and beating the ground - I was LIVID. Then I started sobbing (to my father); "why didn't you love me? Why wasn't I enough. Can't you see you've fucked up my trust in all men?" . I went to the very bottom of the feeling of not enough-ness, cried and hyper-ventilated until there was no sorrow left, until there only was this feeling of soothing space and clarity. All the heaviness had lifted. I had reached the very bottom of a fear. Fear of not being good enough.

I remember thinking specifically; "if this is as bad as it ever gets, this feels ok. I have nothing more to fear". And then I felt my Divine Feminine very clearly; I'm worth everything. I'm a gorgeous, loving, giving, nurturing soul. I have so much loving co-creation to do, so much love to be and so much love to share. There was no more fear to explore.

When I could feel that; I started seeing everyone through the eyes of the Divine Feminine; my father who had given me the gift of understanding, that we're all doing the best we can. My partner couldn't do anything other than what he could; what a blessing that he inspired me to go to the bottom of my fear.

The games that people play to get attention, to try to make another jealous, to try to make them feel important, are all games that I now understand are only the best they can do. It has nothing to do with me.

The need for me to play games; to ask people to jump through hoops disappeared immediately when I remembered my importance and relevance (to me).

For me it's very clear now: I no longer respond to people playing games, I just bless them knowing they're doing the best they can, and move on.

I no longer need games to connect.

I want the real thing, and have that to offer in return.

Much Love,
M

Online Relationships - can they ever be real?

I had a beautiful online relationship for a year. Being an independent person myself, it suited me to have a long-distance relationship to begin with. A little bit of distance and safety, a little time to get to know one another well before I fell madly in love.

After a few months of very intensive communication, I took the plunge, and travelled literally to the other side of the world to meet him. This challenged every relationship related belief I had, and of course, from my point of view was also a challenge in terms of feeling safe and being self-employed: not having any income for 3 weeks I was missing from work.

I loved it! We matched on many levels and my heart got what it so desired; being present with a soul-mate. It was beautiful! I was so sure this person would be in my life forever more, and when I left to go back to my work, horses and life in Ireland, I left my heart behind to Australia.

I got home and was depressed for 2 weeks, then started to slowly feel again. I missed being in a presence of another, being loved and touched. Instead I was what felt like being "downgraded" to Skype calling and Facebook messages.

We started to plan for him to come over, but all the time, I felt like I wanted it more than him. He was not willing to meet the practical targets to make it happen. 4 months later after numerous changes of flight plans I stopped waiting. Then my horse got sick and I no longer had time to make available for him online. He should have been here already, I though, and decided to move on.


The beautiful gifts and lessons I learnt from this brief relationship were amazing:

1. I learnt to set boundaries again on another level; I had been generous in terms of my time and resources, and I realised that it's far better to let your loved ones figure their own way in life, rather than me helping them with everything.

2. I missed being touched. We all need to be touched. Some of us need it more than others, but for me; being in a tactile profession and giving so much touch and not receiving any was a deal breaker.

3. I realised that I can choose to be happy, healthy and loving regardless of who's at the receiving end. To put the "it has to be YOU" pressure on people is not a good foundation for a relationship.

4. Ending a relationship does not have to be painful. It can be allowed and appreciated as much as beginning a relationship.

5. There's no blame. Yes, I must have been more eager to make it work, more clear on what I wanted and more ready to commit to one person, but it doesn't mean that the other person is wrong in any way. This is what I want and what you want is perfect for you, and I respect that.


For me, I love being in a relationship; I love companionship, laughs, shared experiences; but the biggest gift of this past relationship is that I no longer am afraid of relationships ending. Instead of feeling bad about a "failed relationship" I'm now taking my learnings with humility and grace and bring them forward to my already percolating relationship escrow.

Let us dance.
Love
M

In love

Meeting people post Divorce - Why is it so difficult?

After my separation and a subsequently my divorce, I started seeing people again. It was a conscious decision; "here we go, let's make it happen" and "I'm ready for this!".

I wasn't ready at all.

Lesson number 5: Trying to meet people just because you "should" move on is not great, but it serves a purpose.

I mainly met people but they were immature, looking for an instant gratification or just way too unstable for me. They weren't able to hold an intellectual conversation (ie not interested) or I felt like they were stubbornly holding on to their belief systems in order not to be challenged to grow.

Boy, was it challenging for me to date people who were "unavailable". And then it hit me like a train; I realised that the only person "unavailable" was me. I was blocking my own ability to meet interesting people, because I was not aligned with it. I wasn't allowing it in.

The social pressure to move on (when you're of certain age) and settle down and have kids was interesting to observe. I have always been blessed to have friends to whom I can speak candidly about my experiences, who would allow me to go through every stage of my evolution; from dis-empowerment to anger to hopefulness to joy without questioning any of it. I, after having done one or two "shoulds", moved on from it; with the help of my friends; to letting go of all social pressures and just enjoying what was in front of me; this repertoire of new people, new experiences and the knowing that people can be met just about anywhere.

So actually, meeting people when you're divorced or single (same thing goes with business) is not about what you do or where you do it. It's about how aligned with yourself you are; when you are happy with yourself and open to meeting people, you'll become a magnet for others in the similar vibration in no time!

Get yourself open and the people will arrive! (Build it and they will come.)

Now, how do you meet your perfect partner?

Love and blessings,
M

Why are we so quick to commit?

How many of us truly follow our desires?

I'm in a blessed position to do what I absolutely adore for a living, I get to talk to people and then help them. It's official; I wear my heart in my sleeve.

I used to give my heart away, instead of sharing it. It felt good when someone accepted the heart. But when it was rejected; BOY! I could have plummeted into depression because I KNEW that I was worth nothing.

I love to observe social conditioning. Here in Ireland the church (yes, lower case and in case you were wondering, catholic) has still been in power, conforming people up until very recently. Coming from a country of mainly Lutheran religion; priests are normal men and women, growing up, marrying, having kids and divorcing; I've found it fascinating to see how the conformation (funny that that's the actual word that the church uses) is being carried out.

I find it hilarious when people say to me; "God Bless" when they leave my premises or when I say; "see you tomorrow" they respond: "God willing". What if you were an atheist. Now; I'm probably one of the most spiritual people anyone knows, but church; conformation/confirmation; NO THANK YOU.

The decades and the generations of social conditioning has brought us to a society which is no longer naturally satisfactory. We need stimulants like coffee (and cocaine) to get going and relaxants like a glass of wine (or a joint) to chill. When I recently visited a pub in Shankill, the thought occurred to me that we may as well have been in an opium tent in Afganistan. What's the difference? (And please try to come up with something less conforming than "it's against the law".

The divine feminine says: "Follow your feel, and you can never go wrong." Even though we may be conditioned to do something, like "go on a piss" (in Ireland it means get twisted/hammered/drunk) this may very well at that particular time be the path of least resistance. Making yourself wrong by denying yourself the only way to connecting to yourself just because "I shouldn't" is hardly self loving and accepting (which indecently are the first steps into exploring your divinity) can only bring you down.

Making yourself right by feeling around the issue in-hand and seeing what the best feeling option is and then going ahead and doing/being that can only increase the self-worth and connectedness which may have been lost due to social conditioning.

God ( ;P ) bless our parents for doing the very best they could have in the circumstances. They did the best they knew how to and we'll (all of us) have to trust that that's still the best thing for everyone.

Over 3 years ago I started to question everything. It's been the most eye-opening experience of my life.

I'd like to encourage you to challenge everything you've been taught. See what feels right and then commit to that option. It's exactly the same in human relationships. Just because some thing is already there, (pre-existing) it doesn't mean that there cannot be a better version of it in your vibrational escrow.

Commit - but don't lose yourself, at any cost.



Lots of love,
M