There's no other reason to "put your foot down", except fear. The fear of what? Ultimately, the fear of losing control.
Someone I know was big into their natural horsemanship. They teach it; only exclusively, as her horses are so very dear to her. She picks her students carefully and had ended up helping a girl who had had a bad experience in the traditional horse world.
She had not been taught how horses think, how they behave and as a result of a few close-call accidents, she had lot her confidence. She knew nothing about horses on the ground, and had just been "thrown" on a horse and pushed to go hacking on the roads.
Making the long story short, my friend started teaching her about psychological, physiological and emotional behaviour of horses, and allowed a safe launching pad for this girl's confidence to build again. 7 months into the teaching she was riding again, not quite confidently, but thereabouts.
My friend had been observing her student and the relationship she had built with a little rescued thoroughbred mare. This mare, even though she had had some health scares, was now settled into a maintenance mode, and was as healthy as any other horse. As the relationship between the student and the horse had developed, my friend had intentionally taught this girl how to manage this particular horse, with an eye of transferring the ownership of this horse (reliable, calm, perfect size for the student and already known by the student) over to the student. The student had been excited about taking the horse over, and my friend had started to plan accordingly.
All of a sudden, the student informs my friend that she won't be taking over this beautiful little thoroughbred mare, that her mother-in-law (the same person who had tried to teach the student before, which ended up in a loss of confidence) had bought a horse that they would be sharing. Apparently, her husband had "put his foot down" in regards to the student not taking over the thoroughbred horse, because she is too big of a financial risk.
This new horse is an ex riding club horse, with a lot of mileage and she's lame at the moment. She has only been ridden traditionally, which means that she's most likely dominant towards the rider out of self-preservation. The mother-in-law will also be riding the new horse, which means that even if my friend's student does natural exercises with the horse when she's with her, the two different types of communications will confuse the horse and cause stress in the various partnerships, not to even mention the high likelihood of the dangerous situations.
It looks to me that this can not end well; all out of the husband's fear of losing control and what "might happen" with the thoroughbred mare.
When we make fear-based decisions, we usually get it wrong. Have you ever made an inspired decision; one that gives you a sense of elation, even if it makes no sense cerebrally? It feels so wonderful, when you KNOW your decision is the right one. When you're being pressurised into decisions that are not right, you feel anxiety.
My friend was happy at the end that this is the way that things had turned out, as she would have been gutted had she transferred her beloved horse over and THEN realised what the scenario in regards to pressure was within that family. All she wanted was to give her student the best possible re-start in her equestrian life, but as she realised later on, it's not her responsibility to make sure that everybody is ok.
When it comes to relationships, one of the sure signs of co-dependency is someone "putting their foot down". Agreeing on things, disagreeing on things and negotiating things are all signs of co-creative relationship.
How can everyone win? How can my spouse win? What am I really afraid of? How can I best support my spouse in his/her growth process?
Of course, there are deal breakers and isn't that just the bottom line of relationships? This whole ordeal made me feel blessed, if only for one realisation:
I will never be told what to do. There is no space in my life for subservient-ship. I want to flow free in my own experiences without feeling like I'm being "owned" by someone. Don't get me wrong; I so want to co-create. But when you try to control others and their behaviour, you're only causing them to resent you and that's when you start growing apart.
Ask my ex-husband.
With much love
M
Someone I know was big into their natural horsemanship. They teach it; only exclusively, as her horses are so very dear to her. She picks her students carefully and had ended up helping a girl who had had a bad experience in the traditional horse world.
She had not been taught how horses think, how they behave and as a result of a few close-call accidents, she had lot her confidence. She knew nothing about horses on the ground, and had just been "thrown" on a horse and pushed to go hacking on the roads.
Making the long story short, my friend started teaching her about psychological, physiological and emotional behaviour of horses, and allowed a safe launching pad for this girl's confidence to build again. 7 months into the teaching she was riding again, not quite confidently, but thereabouts.
My friend had been observing her student and the relationship she had built with a little rescued thoroughbred mare. This mare, even though she had had some health scares, was now settled into a maintenance mode, and was as healthy as any other horse. As the relationship between the student and the horse had developed, my friend had intentionally taught this girl how to manage this particular horse, with an eye of transferring the ownership of this horse (reliable, calm, perfect size for the student and already known by the student) over to the student. The student had been excited about taking the horse over, and my friend had started to plan accordingly.
All of a sudden, the student informs my friend that she won't be taking over this beautiful little thoroughbred mare, that her mother-in-law (the same person who had tried to teach the student before, which ended up in a loss of confidence) had bought a horse that they would be sharing. Apparently, her husband had "put his foot down" in regards to the student not taking over the thoroughbred horse, because she is too big of a financial risk.
This new horse is an ex riding club horse, with a lot of mileage and she's lame at the moment. She has only been ridden traditionally, which means that she's most likely dominant towards the rider out of self-preservation. The mother-in-law will also be riding the new horse, which means that even if my friend's student does natural exercises with the horse when she's with her, the two different types of communications will confuse the horse and cause stress in the various partnerships, not to even mention the high likelihood of the dangerous situations.
It looks to me that this can not end well; all out of the husband's fear of losing control and what "might happen" with the thoroughbred mare.
When we make fear-based decisions, we usually get it wrong. Have you ever made an inspired decision; one that gives you a sense of elation, even if it makes no sense cerebrally? It feels so wonderful, when you KNOW your decision is the right one. When you're being pressurised into decisions that are not right, you feel anxiety.
My friend was happy at the end that this is the way that things had turned out, as she would have been gutted had she transferred her beloved horse over and THEN realised what the scenario in regards to pressure was within that family. All she wanted was to give her student the best possible re-start in her equestrian life, but as she realised later on, it's not her responsibility to make sure that everybody is ok.
When it comes to relationships, one of the sure signs of co-dependency is someone "putting their foot down". Agreeing on things, disagreeing on things and negotiating things are all signs of co-creative relationship.
How can everyone win? How can my spouse win? What am I really afraid of? How can I best support my spouse in his/her growth process?
Of course, there are deal breakers and isn't that just the bottom line of relationships? This whole ordeal made me feel blessed, if only for one realisation:
I will never be told what to do. There is no space in my life for subservient-ship. I want to flow free in my own experiences without feeling like I'm being "owned" by someone. Don't get me wrong; I so want to co-create. But when you try to control others and their behaviour, you're only causing them to resent you and that's when you start growing apart.
Ask my ex-husband.
With much love
M
My ex-husband's family told him to 'put his foot down' with me. Before we had been happily together for over five years. It was the death knell to our relationship. It became abusive emotionally, and I had to get out before it became physical, too. I am completely unable to understand the concept of one person dominating another. It is foriegn to me. IT was painful, but I have grown wiser from it. Namaste : )
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