Perfect Partnership

It's easy to write about a failed relationship when you truly think that even though it ended, it did not fail. One of my very favourite ex 's has taught me so very many lessons. I will always be in appreciation of his presence and teachings in my life.

Having learnt the lesson about unconditional love, unconditional acceptance and the appreciation of differences, it was time to learn the newest one; compatibility of process.

Let's clarify the practical definitions of the above:

Unconditional love - the ability to love a person, place, thing or circumstance regardless of their behaviour or appearance.

Unconditional acceptance - the ability to accept a person, place, thing or circumstance regardless of the behaviour or appearance.

Appreciation of differences - recognition of differences in people, cultures, learnt patterns and conditions and the ability to appreciate the differences between them.

Compatibility of process is probably the most practical one of all. It relates to the compatibility of 2 or more people/places/things/circumstances that are co-creating at the same time.

To give an example of a compatibility of process, which most people can relate to, the easiest one would be the relationship with your significant other.

You can love one another unconditionally, you can accept one another unconditionally and you can even appreciate differences in one another, but unless you have compatibility in your personal learning/expansion process, the flowing and appreciative co-creation is almost impossible. In order to make a relationship work, the compatibility between yours and your partner's process has to match on the core value level.

Your core values are the values you came forth with from the non-physical. They are innate preferences, inclinations, if you like, of the reflection of who you decided to come forth and live this life experience as.

Many of us tend to not know what our core values are. Even if we do, we tend to put our values aside to please another being, place, thing or circumstance (ultimately another being).

My observation in relationships is that most of them operate from a mode of incompatibility of process - leaving people drifting further and further apart. As people drift apart, it's the rare person who stands up and asks for what they want and recognises that perhaps their processes are not as compatible as they thought - most couples just continue their relationship for "the sake of the children".

Compatibility of process - even though it's not the most spiritual concept - was one brought forth from the human  realm to allow more gradual movement towards spirituality.

It's not necessarily the most expansive concept either, but it's worth noting that as most of human beings and humanity has veered so off the spiritual course, it's an extremely useful process to reconnect with self, higher self, others and the spiritual journey in this human experience.

Bringing the above concepts - unconditional love and acceptance, appreciation of differences and the compatibility of process - together is to live the ultimate human experience.

The spiritual being in the human body - having the spiritual, or holistic, understanding with the - oh so delicious - human emotions.

That's fulfilled relationships are made of.

Much love,
M

Playing second base to pornography

Playing second base is an interesting concept. I have been asked to do so or maybe I was expected to, in the name of self exploration.

I've heard it all; "it's not the same that I look at porn"; "these people are just exhibitionists and they do the posing because they want to".

Putting aside the fact that anyone who feels the need to exhibit themselves are doing it because of low self esteem (wanting to feel good about themselves and to get attention) and should be felt sorry for; and the fact that most of the "industry" is filled with people being put into boxes and be objectified, anyone who needs a visual stimulus to get going is missing a vital component in their relationship with themselves. In short, they're disconnected.

When did we ever stop being connected to ourselves? I hear porn-watching people giving out about work-a-holism, when they think there's nothing wrong with relieving self over pictures of some random "nobodies" on line. Talk about disconnect. Don't get me wrong, we're all into something. It's up to each individual to decide which game they're comfortable playing.

The bottom line is that when you need to be stimulated by pictures to feel connected to yourself through arousal, you might as well be addicted to a substance. It's a quick fix, it makes you feel good, it usually means nothing anyway, and it may ruin your close relationships. Sounds an awful like any addiction. In other words, it's not just your partner that is asked to play second base, you're in the losing team yourself.

People connected to themselves are tuned in, tapped in and turned on by LIFE. These are the people who turn me on (and frankly most other women, although they would never say it because they're afraid of losing their partner).

Are you turned on by life?

Much love
M 

On being yourself despite your friends and family

My spirituality has caused some of my friends and family to be uncomfortable. The latest occurrence was today, as one of my horsey-fb-friends made a comment on the loopy status updates on my wall.

It made me think about a friend who is going through her spiritual "coming out of the closet". Her family can not understand her even wanting to grow in herself and get to know herself, and they want to have her committed. According to them, she's predictably unpredictable, she's talking about things like preserving the rights and the honour of animals and she has turned vegetarian. She's joined new clubs, which are at the leading edge of the future developments and she feels very strongly about how the future should look like in her line or work, hobby and passion. Sounds crazy, eh?

Surely, following your own instincts, principles and thinking outside the box is not THAT weird, that someone should be committed. OK, granted, she feels strongly about honouring animals and their needs, but which animal lover doesn't.

Anyone, at the leading edge of thought can be labelled "weird" by people who are still stuck in the traditional way of thinking. The question is; when do we start learning from the geniuses amongst us. This lady has so much insight, and is inspiring me with her journey and discoveries every day. She's only one of hundreds of friends I have who inspire me. Although there's different levels of consciousness amongst us, the universal truth remains the same: when we judge another, it's because our own beliefs, social and familial conditioning and level of ignorance is being challenged and we are not keeping up with the expansion and learnings on offer.

It is the brave one, who is willing to see past the "normalcy" of having to put another down to feel good about self. Weak people gather together to feel stronger - true leaders focus on their personal growth, even if it means standing alone at the leading edge.

I heard a great saying once; when you're green you're growing, when you're ripe, you're rotting.

Is your mind open to growth? 

Reaching for your alignment before communicating with your spouse

Did you ever fight with your spouse about something that after a while turned into being about something else and something else again?

When we fight, we seem to bring all kinds of random things into the pot percolating on the gas fire, almost out of control. The next time you have a fight, observe where it takes you too. The fight is never really about the thing that started it. For example;

1. You're irritated that your spouse doesn't clean after themselves - they're messy. While you might be giving out about the smelly socks under the bed, it's not really about the socks. It's about the fact that your spouse doesn't respect your efforts to have a clean house. Often times the one keeping the clean house is left feeling like their spouse doesn't understand them, or appreciate their hard work.

2. You see your spouse interacting with another man/woman in a way that they used to interact with you, (or never interacted with you) and it makes you feel jealous. You might blame the other man/woman, accuse your spouse for flirting and feel completely let down, even betrayed.

3. There's money worry, and there seems to be too much month left at the end of the money. Your spouse wants to go on holidays or even worse, they've just had an accident, and need extra dental work done. Their insurance doesn't cover dental work and you need to borrow money to pay for the work. You feel hard done by, tired and resentful.

All these cases have left the spouse number one feeling less than good, and they feel like they're out of control, powerless even. Spouse number two is there to listen to the grief from spouse number one, and things just escalate further.

In example 1. where spouse number one was not feeling appreciated, the fight was not about the actual trigger, which was the socks. It was about not feeling appreciated by others, doing things for others and trying to maintain tidy house. For what? - Appearances. So in fact, spouse number one was putting him/herself last at the chain of importance, and when spouse number two was selfishly leaving his/her socks around, spouse number one felt that they had never been given such freedom. The solution in this case is obvious; spouse number one needs to organise time for themselves to do whatever they feel like doing, and this will diffuse the situation. Spouse number one's relationship with self is one of belittling of self over others and as a result, until they learn to appreciate and love themselves and on top of that allow time for themselves, they will always be bothered with their spouse's vicious attack on their kindness - leaving smelly socks under the bed.

In example number 2. there is jealousy and feeling of betrayal. It's easy to get possessive about our spouses, but the bottom line is that if you truly love them - this kind of love entails no possession - you want what's best for them. The fact that you feel jealous means that you're trying to get the love, which you don't have for yourself; from outside yourself. I, personally, am not into open relationships and from my point of view, you're either exploring things together or you explore them apart. But knowing that I'm unhurtable, as I have a beautiful strong love for myself, I am, free to fully explore relationships to the deepest possible level without much need for drama. The only reason you'd ever feel jealous was if you didn't KNOW that you were loved, and the only way to KNOW that, is to love yourself. Once you really have fallen in love with yourself, everything else just falls into place, and you let go of a need to assert yourself into anyone else's experience and demand love from them. The love will just flow.

Example 3. - money worries. You feel you've worked very hard and then something happens and you feel you need to work even harder. It's easy to start feeling resentful, but the bottom line is that if you had felt more appreciative of this process called life and less in need to spend all the money coming in to make yourself feel good, you now would have some money put aside to pay for the dental work. To put aside 10% of all income to savings might not be much, but it all adds up. You might be blaming others for having unexpected outgoings, but perhaps the person to look at is yourself and your instant gratification style spending habits. The real question is: why do you feel you need to have instant gratification in the form of spending? It's an addiction as anything else, and the only cure for an addiction is self acceptance, appreciation and eventually self love.

So as you can see from all these examples, the ultimate solution for all problems with your spouse is you. Start with you, get to know yourself, love yourself, allow yourself the freedom to do what YOU want to do and see your relationships evolve to a new level.

Practising over time will help to solidify this new and good-feeling place of creation and every time you feel you're being hooked back into the old "stuff", just remove yourself from the situation, meditate love and appreciation in yourself and then see if the issue really is that big of a deal any more. You'll be pleasantly surprised!

Love self ~ Love each other
Appreciate self ~ Appreciate each other
Free self ~ Be free together

With much love,
M

Running your single life like your business - Do a merja on it.

Once upon a time, I thought I was in a relationship. Well, I was in it, but he was not forthcoming of his willingness to commit. I had enough and went single.

It took me a while to realise that even though on a gut level, I knew there was no commitment from him, on a personal level, I was buying into some false premises about how a relationship should be, and what we should mean for one another. Of course, the bottom line is no-one can be owned. On the other hand, you can be committed without being suffocated. Mutual appreciation is the key.

When I understood that non-committal relationships are like possible joint ventures (JVs) in business, I got it. After all, business is my playing field. If it's anything to do with business, I'll just do a merja on it, and it'll be a success. Guaranteed.

Doing a merja on it, in business, means being committed to your end result and seeing who else wants to play. Since I'd become so good at it in business, why couldn't I do it in love?

A successful candidate for a business JV is honest in communication, without blackmailing them emotionally by threatening them with another JV partner. For example, if I was a massage therapist in a JV with a gym, I wouldn't go telling a possible JV partner about how the other gym makes me feel as a therapist and how they're willing to offer this and that. I'd just simply be open and honest about what I'm willing to offer, what I expect in return, and ask them if they're interested. If they're unsure, I just ask them to give me a call if they want more information, and/or when they've made up their mind about their commitment to a JV.

As the world indeed is our oyster, there are many possible JVs around for us all. It does not have to be that particular one, and if they're not interested, just move on. Look for opportunities to approach other possible JV partners and ask if they're interested, once you've determined whether or not you want to work with them. You'd never sit at home for 5 hours waiting for a possible JV partner to call if you wanted to be a success in business. You'd go out there and talk to people!

You'll also find that you are approached with JV suggestions. Ponder them, see how they feel to you and be honest. They're either for you or not; negotiate, if needed.

The most important thing in a successful JV - once the commitment is made - is regular communication. It's so important to know what your JV partner is thinking, and how the deal is working for both of you. It has to be a win-win, as if any one party in a JV feels like they're not getting a good deal, they will eventually lose momentum and will likely move on to another JV. Like any relationship, a JV needs nurturing, practical commitment to agreed procedures and mutual appreciation.

Best of luck with your JVs - be blessed. And if in doubt, just do a merja on it - commit yourself to the end result and see who else wants to play!

Much love,
M

Transitional Ireland - Old School -v- New School

Last night, when I was out celebrating my beautiful friend Rosie's birthday, I had the pleasure to sit next to a man called John. He was Irish, single, in his (I'd say mid) thirties, he had lived in Australia for a year and he works with people with hearing difficulties. We got into a very interesting conversation about Ireland and how the elderly function in this Ireland, that is going through massive changes. Having lived abroad, he had become able to observe the Irish as a society from the outside in. I agreed with a lot of his sentiments.

The old school Ireland:
1. Work hard, and try to stay in the same company for your whole career.
2. Stay with the bank that your childhood account was established in, because loyalty might come in handy at some stage.
3. Marriage, kids, growing old together - NO MATTER WHAT.

All the above statements are fear based and when I asked John why is it, he said: " Nobody trusts anybody, and the ripple effects are still there, even now".

Before meeting Rosie and her friends I went shopping (for coffee). As I had some time to kill before they made it into town, I went to a bar and ordered myself a Cosmopolitan. I sat in a quiet corner of the hip, modern lounge and next to me sat two blokes having beer (they finished 3 in the time I had the one drink).  I overheard their conversation.

The New School Ireland:
1. Bitch about your employer, look at changing jobs again.
2. Put the beers on a credit card which is almost maxed out and no money to pay anything but the minimum payments.
3. Call your girlfriend, because you have to and then make faces about her and how she nags and is such a useless cow. Next minute: "Oh look at the rack on that one!".

Holy cow! It seems like it's not just the economy that's in bits in this country! Seems like there's not much appreciation going about on anything; work, money, relationships.

I'm not saying that it's everyone's cup of tea to be married, or single, but for goodness' sake lads; grow a pair! The young men in this country are so afraid of commitment, because their mothers put them on pedestals from the beginning. The boys tend to be served by their mothers and boy, is it a rude awakening when they go out to the real world of different generation of changed, empowered women. All that is left is to whinge to your mate on a Saturday night about what a stupid bitch she is for wanting some respect.

Same goes with the girls. The suppression of the catholic church for so many years and the suppression of the divine feminine has created an explosion of man-wannabe career oriented women who are single in their 40's and spending all their money on designer clothes just so that they can feel better about themselves. They feel the pressure from their mother: why aren't you married yet -kind of comments and as a result has to buy more stuff. Although the catholic guilt is; as a result of the growing disbelief in the organised religion and abuse of the power in the past; being strangled out of the society and as a result from people's lives, the ripple effects of its iron-fist-like ruling are still there to be easily observed in the younger generations.

The people I met at Rosie's party last night were mostly Irish couples in their 30s and 40s. All of them had travelled or lived abroad. The women were independent, successful on their own right and very comfortable with themselves. They had a great rapport with their spouses and a bit of good old banter. The men were strong, not overpowering, but clearly and comfortably in themselves. There seemed to be a respect of one another, which I hadn't observed much before. Perhaps I've been in the wrong crowds.

What would I love to see? More of that, please!

I'm glad that the women in Ireland are feeling more empowered in themselves and are deciding on their own direction. But girls, remember that you don't have to lose your divine feminine in the process. By tapping into it, you tap into a surge of empowerment, like nothing you've ever felt before.

Guys, stop for a second and tap into that divinity within. You're worth everything, but rather than trying to get other people to prove it to you, how about you believe in yourselves, and the fact that you are perfect and enough just as you are. No macho BS is needed to be strong. Be the first one in your group to feel empowered and experience true love.

What do I think of all this, and the direction we're headed? As they'd say in Ireland: "Ah, sure. It'll be grand".

Much love
M

Ask for what you need

It's so important that we know what we need from a relationship. Otherwise, we can't ask for it.

So many; women especially; don't get from the relationship what they need and it's for one of 2 reasons:

1. They don't know what they need
2. They don't know how to ask for what they need.

Often times in relationships, we have a false premise of thinking that our partner should somehow know what we need without our having to ask for it or explain it in some way. Then we condemn our partner because they don't know what we need.

Girls, let's grow up and get to know ourselves. Then we can ask for what we need, and the poor guy don't have to be guessing!

Much love and straight talk,
M

Appreciation -v- Demand

It's interesting how quickly one's mood can change! One minute you're writing from the depths of your appreciation, the next, you're feeling like shite. (Irish version of the word shit, Irish think that if you just change a letter in a curse word, like feck in stead of fuck, it makes the word less rude. Maybe it does! Gotta love the Irish!!)

Did I buy into my own past and the feelings in them, while I was writing, or why am I feeling so low? What has been my internal dialogue for the last hour or so? Oh yes, the Revenue. I was thinking about my VAT returns and PRSI and PAYE payments. That's interesting. Do I change my internal dialogue so flimsily to a negative from the heights of appreciation and gratitude?

And you know, the immediate reaction was; I need a hug. I'd love to be able to share these things with someone.

Is shared pain doubled pain? Do we need to share our BS with our partner and expect them to make it better, or am I genuinely just wanting a hug?

Human touch is powerful, absolutely, and it has healing power. This is why we're not supposed to be alone! It's like, "right, I can own my own stuff, but would like to be reminded of what really matters through the medium of another human's touch".

So it's a double-edged sword; on one hand, a lot of people expect someone else to make them feel better, and on the other hand, we need touch to be connected to the truth of continuum of what's real; life. How do you know which edge you're playing with?

Maybe it's the feeling of appreciation when someone is around to touch you, when you need it, instead of demanding someone to be there for you, when things go south? Yes, that feels right. To demand of another something you can't give to yourself is creating co-dependency, but to be appreciative of another's presence is supportive of personal growth and expansion.

Phhhhew! That was a close call in directing energy. Could have gone either way!

I choose appreciation. Thank you for being in my life, even if in a virtual capacity.

Until we touch,
Much love,
M

Alcohol and relationships

My father was an alcoholic. Why does anyone become one? Or an addict?

Because they can't deal with reality, they feel so dis-empowered.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against drink or people taking drugs to feel better about themselves. If it's the only way to like yourself, then it'll do, for now.

But the trick, and the way out of addiction is self exploration and expansion. Once we start to know ourselves a bit better, escapism, such as drink and drugs will fall away. I used to have a glass of wine every evening with my meal, after a long day. I didn't consider myself having a drinking problem, but when I one night didn't have wine at home, and instead of going "oh well", I got back into my car and drove to the local petrol station to get a bottle of some petrol-station-quality wine, I realised that I needed it, rather than wanted it. Holy cow!

I now look at people around me. They work hard and go out at the weekends. Granted, I reckon, once you have kids, you tend to calm down a little. Looking at this behaviour from an escapism point of view; one could make an observation that people don't generally like their lives from Monday to Thursday. But oh, that Friday feeling! Freedom!

Makes you think that 4 days out of 7 in your week you don't feel free. And what is that freedom? Time for self exploration and relaxation? Time to see friends? Maybe doing the work you love? How many people actually do the work that they LOVE and feel a calling for?

And another thing: why do a lot of men and women need to be intoxicated to tell each other how they feel? It's like we are so afraid of rejection, we'll need something to take the sting out of it, something drinkable that numbs our feelings. If you do get together in a drunken state, how is it feeling in the morning, when the alcohol has worn off and you find yourself in bed with someone you don't know sober?

Escapism through substances is only step one in denying your true self and your needs. Once it becomes a pattern, it can lead to more frequent substance abuse, as it now becomes a crack of least resistance for tolerating oneself and one's life.

Alcoholism - excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages - in my words "dependency on alcohol to make you feel better about yourself and your life" is a large part of our society. My question is; when does it start? When did we decide that it's ok to become a victim of circumstance and not carry out the responsibility to ourselves and as a ripple effect to our families to live a happy and a real life?

My alcoholic father had an effect on me growing up: I had massive abandonment issues and I didn't trust men. On the good side, however, I learnt not to depend on anyone to provide me anything and I had to learn how to be with the opposite sex from scratch as I was growing up; no pre-conceived ideas passed on from the last generation.

I feel blessed about these lessons, but can't help but wonder; is it necessary to go through all that to become independent?

I get turned on by a man high on life. A man who does what they love and love what they do. A ma who knows what they want. A man who will not compromise their alignment with their source for any reason.

There's nothing as erotic to a woman, as a man who is genuinely themselves. "Flaws" and all.

Much love,
M

Finding a flow

I feel the flow of abundance and love running through my body. I need to take no score on the manifestations or the improvement, as the tipping point is right here. My vibrational value brings it forth and into my experience. My appreciation of all that is, accelerates the flow. I know that the abundance of love and everything else is arriving, not because I'm desperate for it, but because the desire was put forth by me. The eagerness of what is coming is delicious. I'm letting my thoughts guide me, find the path of least resistance and then, follow with inspired action.

I hold the thought of my desire, the feeling of it, and I can feel it materialising.

I am the creator of my experience and you are the creator of your own experience. Now, let it flow and see where it takes us.

Much love,
M

What do I do when my values do not align with my partner's?

I'm quite a unique person, like we all are. There is every chance that all of my values will not align with my partner's values, in fact, if they did, there would be no expansion within the relationship.

I, like all of us have had several partners, if not romantically, at least in our everyday lives. Every person has a different set of values, even though sometimes some people seem similar (check out www.enneagraminstitute.com for 9 different categories of personality types).

As a type 2, the helper, a heart type, I'm always there to help. My biggest challenge has been to not be too available, helpful and facilitating in relationships. I've learnt to pull back a good bit, I've learnt to serve myself first (with the exception of my dependants) and I've started to appreciate myself, not just put everyone else first.

I am full of energy, optimism, attention to detail and (with a type 1, perfectionist, wing) I'm very principled and can be black-and-white about some things. If something is wrong, it's wrong. This translates well with my relationship patterns; I don't ask for my needs to be met, as I want to please the other person. Then, as my needs are not met, I keep burning out, until I say; "THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!" and then the feud has usually gone too far. There's no return.

I once was in a relationship with a type 9; the peacemaker, who will, whatever it takes, to keep the peace. Including lie to me about substance abuse. Type 9s are usually stubbornly stuck in their ways, and do not like change. You can imagine someone like me, who needs personal development and self discovery to feel the continuum of life, not being able to facilitate stuckness in a relationship and tolerate driving with a hand break on all the time.

Once I was in a relationship with a type 1; the perfectionist. His mother died and I went to help him and his family. Leaving my horses to the care of someone else, rescheduling my clients and travelling to the country was not convenient for me, but of course, I was happy to do it; for him. After all, someone needed my help. I stayed for 4 days (because he asked me to), drove their family to the church (it had snowed overnight and in Ireland, they're not used to driving in the snow, whereas for me it's no problem), scrubbed their floors, helped with serving food, all that good stuff, and then headed back to Dublin, exhausted. I had given my everything. Following week he phones me and tells me that it's over, because I had taken over his family home and that it was not appropriate. I couldn't believe my ears. My heart was broken.

Once I was in a relationship with a type 4, the individualist. For a 4, it's so important to be so different than anyone else. They don't even like to be categorised as 4, as there's no category flexible and big enough to cover all their bases. They examine life, people, but most importantly, themselves. Because they are so internally focused, they are able to feel deeper, express their feelings more and they are amazing teachers. 4s are the centre of their own world, whereas a 2 puts themselves last. You'd think this was a match made in heaven, both parties focusing on the same thing; the 4. No. My needs were not met, and like in a relationship with any other type, I got exhausted trying to mean something to this person, and eventually, had enough.

Who knows what happens in the future, but one thing is for sure; I love me. I love my ability to love, give, feel, help and understand. I need to mind my blind spots, thought, but if I stay in a good place in myself, I know, I can give from a heart that is full for me first and then overflowing for others. And who wouldn't want to share an expansive co-creative experience like that?

"We all have different values, and the only thing we need to do to get along is to appreciate and understand the differences, whatever that looks like." ~Divine Feminine~

I love this quote. It's one of my favourite ones, as it reflects on my own beliefs. The bottom line is; any one of those relationships could have worked out. They were important in defining my preferences, and I'm happy to take them as such. I feel such appreciation for all that has happened, I'm happy where I am and so very eager for more.

I think when we realise that relationships are not the end game, that they come and go, some last a lifetime, some just a few months, the edge is worn off from  the feeling of "this needs to be right". A break-up does not mean that the relationship was a failure; mine haven't been. They've been a great opportunity to learn and the fact is, that if there was nothing there to begin with, it wouldn't have begun.

I'm still learning to ask for what I want; but until then, I just love you. Namaste.

Much love,
M

Sitting and wondering

This afternoon, after a great session with my horses I decided to go for a date with myself and have some dinner. I was driving up to Dublin anyway, and decided to go to my favourite restaurant, My Thai at the Beacon Hotel in Sandyford.

I sat down at the crowded bar and had a cocktail, non-alcoholic, of course, as I was driving. I scanned around the room, there were made-up women everywhere, and even though it was only 4 pm, some of them were already drunk.

Platform heels to try to disguise their shortness, compact powder to cover pimples and a fake designer bag that cost 45 euro, instead of 450 for the original. I couldn't help but wonder; why do we have to pretend so much.

I was sitting down in jeans, boots and a pink t-shirt, and I still seemed to be more interesting to the men in the bar. I started to think, that maybe men want something real, and not what women think they want. So, I made a survey.

10 out of 10 men preferred a woman with a good sense of humour.
9 out of 10 men did not care what kind of a hand bag a woman carries.
8 out of 10 men preferred a woman with less make-up.
7 out of 10 men were wondering why on earth women would want to wear such uncomfortable shoes.
6 out of 10 men preferred a woman with no perfume.
5 out of 10 men liked a woman with a short hair.
4 out of 10 men cared whether or not a girl has done their hair up when going out.
3 out of 10 men were giving their partner thumbs up whether or not they should wear a specific kind of underwear.
2 out of 10 men tolerated talk about nail polish and spray tanning.
1 out of 10 men thought that this survey was useless and told me that women should just be themselves.

On top of this, a good-looking bartender asked me if I wanted Sex on the Beach, I responded; "Sorry, mate, I'm driving." He offered to drive me home. I politely declined.

A date with self that turned out to a general survey on how males and females perceive one another was time well spent. After all, for my surprise, and for the surprise of a lot of women alike, it appears that all men are looking for is someone who's real and honestly themselves.

Something to think about, girls.

Much love,
M

How I feel is important to me Pt2

Our emotions are our guidance on whether or not we're moving towards our desires in life.

Why would I care how I feel?

Because unless you know how you feel you cannot know yourself, and what you want from this life experience. Knowing yourself is where most people have challenges in life. Not knowing who you are and how you feel can easily lead to addiction, escapism and co-dependency.

Addiction is often thought to be addiction to drugs, but something as simple as feeling a slump in the energy levels and reaching for that 3rd cup of coffee is as much an emotional/psychological/physiological addiction as taking cocaine. All addiction starts for an emotional reason and develops into a psychological/physiological addiction. To break any addiction is to resolve the emotional trigger.

Escapism, such as playing video games,or keeping oneself busy outside working hours is another effective way to avoid feeling feelings. If we, instead of going on holidays every year, would start feeling around our life and as a result started to methodically, or when inspired, move our lives towards what we wanted from it, we'd be a lot happier in the long run.

Co-dependency is another great way to not take responsibility of our lives. Blaming others is easier than looking at why we are reactive ourselves.

I noticed some time ago that I was intentionally making myself busy. When I started to examine the reason, I found a false premise in my belief system that said: if you're busy, and spend a lot of your time alone or with your animals, you can't be hurt by anyone. BOY was I wrong after getting that impact injury on my head from one of my horses!

I love the feeling of inspiration, love, joy, enthusiasm. But when I'm not well in myself, I don't pretend that I am. I'm either truly happy or I'm truly unhappy or anything in between. In any case, I'll always be honest about how I'm feeling. Only when I'm honest about how I'm feeling, I'm able to communicate with others from a transparent, honest point of view.

If I feel I need to have a glass of wine to relax, I have started to ask; why can't I relax without a substance? Is it just a habit, or does it rectify my feeling of dis-empowerment? Do I feel so out of control at the end of a day, that I need to drink to relax?

If I feel I need to have time off/holiday, I have started to ask myself why am I not pacing myself in everyday life. How did I end up so far from my own centre that I need to remove myself from the world I've created for myself? Am I not happy with my world?

If I feel I need to lash out on another being, I've started to ask; why should anyone else be held responsible for how I'm feeling? Can I go away, sort myself out, and then start communicating with my loved ones again from a more solid basis of wanting everyone to win?

I'd encourage everyone to not look outside of ourselves (material possession, relationships or money) to give us that sense of connection to feeling good. Rather, go for the questions inside. Give yourself a gift of sitting with yourself 10 minutes every day and your answers and feelings will come forth. Some people call this meditation, others call it quieting the mind. I just call it getting to know yourself.

Do us all a favour and don't bring the watered-down version of yourself to the buffet table of life. Rather, bring the one version that is full of joy, interesting conversation and true feelings.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Much love
M

How I feel is important to me

For years, I paid little or no attention to how I felt. It wasn't until I'd have a migraine or a tonsillitis that I stopped and felt how bad things had gotten. I read no early signs, just put my head down and ploughed through my day.

For sure, I got a lot done, but none it was joyous and I felt exhausted at the end of every day. It used to be the same with my horses, friends, loved ones and colleagues. Even in my marriage, I THOUGHT I was happy. I really did!

Having never examined the nature of my relationships and how they "made" me feel, I was living my life being busy doing stuff and working. It wasn't until my separation and subsequent divorce, that I started to examine the quality of my life and how I felt with it. Up until then I was too busy with tasks in hand, but that day of separation, when I realised that my happiness mattered, my life turned "upside down", I found myself single again, and determined never to compromise my happiness again in anything; relationships, work, friends, horses, everything.

Other than the separation, my life didn't seem to change much on the outside. I still worked hard, still had horses; now more than ever, and I still didn't do much socialising. Even when I was married, I didn't like going to pubs and talking shite with my ex's friends and their spouses, but I did it, as I thought I'd try to make an effort.

On the inside, everything changed; I started to feel again. I made a commitment to allow any feelings necessary to come forth and I was going to follow them through. As a result of starting to listen to my feelings and thoughts, and the inside now being different, my view of the outside world changed as well. I no longer was willing to do things I didn't WANT to do, meet people who I didn't WANT to meet, all frivolous relationships, clients and acquaintances fell away, and only true friends and co-creators stayed in my life.

I went online and found some beautiful friends, as well as real love, and enjoyed basking in the presence of like-minded people all over the world. All of a sudden, I had energy to meet new people, create new friendships and exchange ideas, which I NOW felt were flowing through me, effortlessly.

I found a completely new feeling of love for my work, nurturing it like my baby, enjoying the laughs, challenges and learnings it still brings, every single day.

My animals; my horses, dog and cat, they've allowed me to find a deeper connection, friendship, love and communication that I would never have been able to achieve when I wasn't paying attention to my feelings. They've been my clear mirrors, unconditional lovers.

As I'm sitting here in my office, writing this, I feel fulfilled. I feel my perfect partner's presence in the house already, even tough he hasn't materialised in my everyday life yet. Like a magnet, we're being drawn towards this love that is deep, based on truly knowing oneself and allowing all feelings, thoughts and ideas to flow through. My appreciation of self and as a result, others, is bringing my life partner to me.

I love my life, how it flows and dances, and the moment I feel off, I take a break of it all; horses, friends, work; everything. Not because I don't want to go ahead with my commitments, but because I appreciate all the beings in my life too much to bring a watered-down version of myself to the play.

Feel your feelings and allow your true self to come forth.

To all of you that are in my life; Namaste.

Much love,
M

How do we form a higher level of partnership?

Honesty

Be honest with yourself and with your partner. Many people feel they can't be honest, as they'll hurt their partner's feelings. The truth is that we'd much rather know, than be with someone who is vague in self preservation. I'd always suggest that if you can't be honest with yourself and stand by what you believe is true, you will never receive that in return from your partner.

Openness

Being openly you is the only reason you're here. Being open and forthcoming about your views, values, beliefs can only add to the beautiful vastness of this world, not take away from it. Knowing and being "self" can sometimes be clouded by someone else's opinions and the social condition we were born into, but fear not; as long as you're open with yourself, you'll always have access to your higher consciousness.

Ability to relate

Your level of ability to relate is the reason partners most often fight or disagree. Some of us are very selfishly focused and some of us are more externally oriented. Your ability to relate to another being is directly linked to your ability to relate to yourself; as much as you allow yourself, you'll allow others. Only from open allowing people to be themselves, can honest communication come forth and as a result the ability to relate with one another develops. 

Communication

If there's no communication, there's no relationship. Communication starts from the willingness to hear one another. Without willingness, there is no true communication, just two people speaking at one another. People communicate at different levels at different times, but in a context of partnership, I've found two different kinds of communication; the essential and the complementary. For the essential, we, as partners, may need to be a little flexible with our own time table and agenda. For the complimentary, there is no sense of urgency. 

Love; accepting your humanness

To have an etheric relationship with another is to link into the universal flow of love and acceptance. This is a different kind of relationship/partnership from the one we experience in the human life. Spiritual oneness is not associated with feelings, as the ability to feel only comes forth when we materialise in the human form. Spirit feels no right or wrong, in the spirit, it just is. The universal unconditional love and acceptance is a fact, which nothing can change, move or evolve. It's not stagnant either, it's just omnipresent. 

While no-one can always please their partner, it's good to accept the duality of the materialisation of our spiritual beingness in this life, and learn from one another, rather than stubbornly hold on to one's beliefs and learnt patterns. Remember; as long as we're humans, we will have needs that are either met by out partner or not.

Having needs does not mean being needy. The difference is that having needs enables growth and expansion, whereas being needy is suppressive.

Open your eyes, and your hearts to higher level of partnership. 

Much love,

M

Wicked games – Disagreements in Relationships

It often shocks people when I tell them that “it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you feel good about yourself”. If my partner has to change in order for me to feel good, something is very seriously wrong.

I’m not saying that the relationship cannot evolve into a lovely dance for two with some flexibility, but to compromise our core selves for someone else will always come to bite us in the backside. Being flexible and looking for win-wins is very different for one compromising themselves and their values for the benefit of another.

Often times a win-win is possible, once we understand a few things.

A lot of us, when we are in a relationship, tend to become more or less dependent on our partner to make us feel good. It’s a very conditional love that we live when we need our partner to make us feel happy, but more importantly, the whole vicious cycle makes us more and more disempowered as time goes by.

In the beginning of each relationship, we tend to focus on the positives in one another. We see the smallest gestures as the most wonderful thing, and our partner has the ability to elevate our mood regardless of any other circumstance.

As time goes by, however, we usually need more and more gestures from our partner to make us feel good and soon there aren’t enough loops for them to jump through to make us happy. We may ask them to behave in a certain way, we may ask them to dress in a certain way, and we may even ask them to cook/clean/iron in a certain way, just so that we can feel happy.

The same works in reverse. When your partner is asking for you to change so that he/she can feel happy about themselves without a win-win outcome, they are asking you to compromise yourself for their sake. Many people, unfortunately, choose to compromise themselves in the name of avoiding conflict, and as a result they never allow their true self to come forth in the relationship.

Of course, the bottom line is that unless you can freely be the full expression of yourself, you continue put your “watered down” self forth to the relationship. When you are playing out the “watered down” version of yourself, your true magnificence will never shine, over time you become suppressed to varying degrees and the relationship, as it’s not based on truth, will eventually fold or lead us to chronic illness patterns. If unattended, the gap between who you have become accustomed to be and who you really are only tends to just naturally widen over time, until it becomes irreparable.

Get to know yourself, and then from that knowing and loving of self, you start to appreciate others as they are. The same is true for your partner. Support their growth and self-exploration, and your partnership can only grow stronger.

The best thing in a situation where your partner is not well in themselves is to listen to them, allow them to understand that you’ve heard what they’ve said (whether you agree with them or not) and try to help them find solutions for their problems, if they’re looking for them. Trying to offer solutions to a person who is not looking for them is not only a waste of time, it tends to lead the conversation to another rut, and turn it into an argument on another topic.

No solutions can be found at the thinking/feeling level of the problems.

When you (or your partner) do not feel well in yourself, retreat into your own company and deal with the underlying issue at hand. It’s never about “the thing”, but rather an issue that has been percolating within you. The surest sign of a long-standing, irritating issue is when you become reactive and irrational about something as trivial as how your partner brushes their teeth or how they drive. It’s important to understand that whether you’re feeling happy or sad, it’s always self inflicted, no exceptions.

While I’m all for expressing your opinions freely and “letting it rip”, I would always encourage people to do it in the privacy of their own company, or a trusted friend; I never do it in the presence of the other person involved. I try to never discuss any problem with that other person until I KNOW I’m ready to really hear what they have to say. If you both can come to the table from the point of view of hearing one another, you start to build more common ground and you’ll start to be (maybe even for the first time) really honest about yourselves and your feelings.

This is where healing truly happens – in self and in partnership.

True happiness in any relationship starts from within. It’s truly an inside job. Unless you’re happy in yourself, the good-feeling external validation will soon wear off and be replaced with feeling of longing for “how much happier we were in the beginning of the relationship” and “how much more he used to care about me”.

My disempowerment in any relationship can be lifted when I accept myself as I am and start to really appreciate myself and my values. When I realise, that I have the key to my own happiness, the need to make THAT ONE PERSON conform to my values dissipates. There are more suitable lovers in the universe than is understood, but until you’re willing to see them, you won’t. Whatever you focus on, you’ll see. So why not start to look for evidence of divinity in self and others around you?

The bottom line is that ANY relationship can work out, once we both are willing to come forth to the table with an open mind, but most importantly, with an open heart.