Marriage that didn't work out - or did it?

When my marriage ended, I was not just surprised, I was devastated, but interestingly a little relieved. We'd been together for 9 years.

I was 21 when we met. He was safe, secure and he liked me. Back then that was enough for me. Was I ever madly in love with him? I thought so at the time.

Looking back at the whole affair, I didn't know myself or what I wanted, but I very clearly knew what I didn't want. A spouse with an addiction and suppressed emotions. The amazing thing is, though, that when you know what you don't want and then focus on that, guess what you'll get!?

Lesson number 1; focus only on what you want. Not what you don't want.

My defensiveness with my ex-husband was allowed to play out. I didn't have to let him close; being a type 9 personality, all he was interested in was comfort, and jolly conversation. But as a result of not being able to open up emotionally, I started to get suppressed. So I started to suppress things; you know; not to make him uncomfortable, but in the process I was quite happy to compromise myself. I was not able to ask for what I wanted, never mind what I needed. It was like I was driving a high powered car but with the handbrake on.

Lesson number 2; Don't ever compromise yourself over others. (But allow flexibility.)

Women, in relationships, on a human level, when in a good place need very little. They just need to feel loved and protected by their spouse. If the man in their life is willing to express and fulfil these needs, a lot of relationships would be a lot happier.

Don't get me wrong; it's not that men need to sacrifice themselves to give their women this; no-one can give it to you unless you're in a receiving place of it. It's just a basic need of a "coupled" female, never mind what species we're observing.

Lesson number 3; Learn to express your needs as a woman /man.

What we want is a more individual thing. We're all different and therefore our collections of wants have got to be different. I encourage everyone, male or female to make a list of their wants in terms of their "perfect partner" to get clarity on the issue and then start observing these qualities in people, whether it's their spouse or just people in general. Remember, you only see what you're focusing on, so why not focus on the good stuff?

Lesson number 4; Learn to express your wants as an individual.

Had I known my wants and needs and been able to express it, could my marriage have been saved? Hard to say. At the end of the day, it truly does take two to tango. Maybe it was perfect just the way it was; I had a lovely 9 years with my ex in many ways, but at least now I've learnt to ask for what I want and what I need.

From this new perspective of knowing myself, I can now more readily meet other people's wants and needs, where I can and without feeling obliged to do so. I will never again compromise myself for another, but I can and will continue to be flexible.

All I can say now; when all is said and done; is that I'm happy where I am and eager for more. Let's be more co-creative and less co-dependent!


Love, M