After a few months of very intensive communication, I took the plunge, and travelled literally to the other side of the world to meet him. This challenged every relationship related belief I had, and of course, from my point of view was also a challenge in terms of feeling safe and being self-employed: not having any income for 3 weeks I was missing from work.
I loved it! We matched on many levels and my heart got what it so desired; being present with a soul-mate. It was beautiful! I was so sure this person would be in my life forever more, and when I left to go back to my work, horses and life in Ireland, I left my heart behind to Australia.
I got home and was depressed for 2 weeks, then started to slowly feel again. I missed being in a presence of another, being loved and touched. Instead I was what felt like being "downgraded" to Skype calling and Facebook messages.
We started to plan for him to come over, but all the time, I felt like I wanted it more than him. He was not willing to meet the practical targets to make it happen. 4 months later after numerous changes of flight plans I stopped waiting. Then my horse got sick and I no longer had time to make available for him online. He should have been here already, I though, and decided to move on.
The beautiful gifts and lessons I learnt from this brief relationship were amazing:
1. I learnt to set boundaries again on another level; I had been generous in terms of my time and resources, and I realised that it's far better to let your loved ones figure their own way in life, rather than me helping them with everything.
2. I missed being touched. We all need to be touched. Some of us need it more than others, but for me; being in a tactile profession and giving so much touch and not receiving any was a deal breaker.
3. I realised that I can choose to be happy, healthy and loving regardless of who's at the receiving end. To put the "it has to be YOU" pressure on people is not a good foundation for a relationship.
4. Ending a relationship does not have to be painful. It can be allowed and appreciated as much as beginning a relationship.
5. There's no blame. Yes, I must have been more eager to make it work, more clear on what I wanted and more ready to commit to one person, but it doesn't mean that the other person is wrong in any way. This is what I want and what you want is perfect for you, and I respect that.
For me, I love being in a relationship; I love companionship, laughs, shared experiences; but the biggest gift of this past relationship is that I no longer am afraid of relationships ending. Instead of feeling bad about a "failed relationship" I'm now taking my learnings with humility and grace and bring them forward to my already percolating relationship escrow.
Let us dance.
Love
M
In love
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