Did you ever fight with your spouse about something that after a while turned into being about something else and something else again?
When we fight, we seem to bring all kinds of random things into the pot percolating on the gas fire, almost out of control. The next time you have a fight, observe where it takes you too. The fight is never really about the thing that started it. For example;
1. You're irritated that your spouse doesn't clean after themselves - they're messy. While you might be giving out about the smelly socks under the bed, it's not really about the socks. It's about the fact that your spouse doesn't respect your efforts to have a clean house. Often times the one keeping the clean house is left feeling like their spouse doesn't understand them, or appreciate their hard work.
2. You see your spouse interacting with another man/woman in a way that they used to interact with you, (or never interacted with you) and it makes you feel jealous. You might blame the other man/woman, accuse your spouse for flirting and feel completely let down, even betrayed.
3. There's money worry, and there seems to be too much month left at the end of the money. Your spouse wants to go on holidays or even worse, they've just had an accident, and need extra dental work done. Their insurance doesn't cover dental work and you need to borrow money to pay for the work. You feel hard done by, tired and resentful.
All these cases have left the spouse number one feeling less than good, and they feel like they're out of control, powerless even. Spouse number two is there to listen to the grief from spouse number one, and things just escalate further.
In example 1. where spouse number one was not feeling appreciated, the fight was not about the actual trigger, which was the socks. It was about not feeling appreciated by others, doing things for others and trying to maintain tidy house. For what? - Appearances. So in fact, spouse number one was putting him/herself last at the chain of importance, and when spouse number two was selfishly leaving his/her socks around, spouse number one felt that they had never been given such freedom. The solution in this case is obvious; spouse number one needs to organise time for themselves to do whatever they feel like doing, and this will diffuse the situation. Spouse number one's relationship with self is one of belittling of self over others and as a result, until they learn to appreciate and love themselves and on top of that allow time for themselves, they will always be bothered with their spouse's vicious attack on their kindness - leaving smelly socks under the bed.
In example number 2. there is jealousy and feeling of betrayal. It's easy to get possessive about our spouses, but the bottom line is that if you truly love them - this kind of love entails no possession - you want what's best for them. The fact that you feel jealous means that you're trying to get the love, which you don't have for yourself; from outside yourself. I, personally, am not into open relationships and from my point of view, you're either exploring things together or you explore them apart. But knowing that I'm unhurtable, as I have a beautiful strong love for myself, I am, free to fully explore relationships to the deepest possible level without much need for drama. The only reason you'd ever feel jealous was if you didn't KNOW that you were loved, and the only way to KNOW that, is to love yourself. Once you really have fallen in love with yourself, everything else just falls into place, and you let go of a need to assert yourself into anyone else's experience and demand love from them. The love will just flow.
Example 3. - money worries. You feel you've worked very hard and then something happens and you feel you need to work even harder. It's easy to start feeling resentful, but the bottom line is that if you had felt more appreciative of this process called life and less in need to spend all the money coming in to make yourself feel good, you now would have some money put aside to pay for the dental work. To put aside 10% of all income to savings might not be much, but it all adds up. You might be blaming others for having unexpected outgoings, but perhaps the person to look at is yourself and your instant gratification style spending habits. The real question is: why do you feel you need to have instant gratification in the form of spending? It's an addiction as anything else, and the only cure for an addiction is self acceptance, appreciation and eventually self love.
So as you can see from all these examples, the ultimate solution for all problems with your spouse is you. Start with you, get to know yourself, love yourself, allow yourself the freedom to do what YOU want to do and see your relationships evolve to a new level.
Practising over time will help to solidify this new and good-feeling place of creation and every time you feel you're being hooked back into the old "stuff", just remove yourself from the situation, meditate love and appreciation in yourself and then see if the issue really is that big of a deal any more. You'll be pleasantly surprised!
Love self ~ Love each other
Appreciate self ~ Appreciate each other
Free self ~ Be free together
With much love,
M
When we fight, we seem to bring all kinds of random things into the pot percolating on the gas fire, almost out of control. The next time you have a fight, observe where it takes you too. The fight is never really about the thing that started it. For example;
1. You're irritated that your spouse doesn't clean after themselves - they're messy. While you might be giving out about the smelly socks under the bed, it's not really about the socks. It's about the fact that your spouse doesn't respect your efforts to have a clean house. Often times the one keeping the clean house is left feeling like their spouse doesn't understand them, or appreciate their hard work.
2. You see your spouse interacting with another man/woman in a way that they used to interact with you, (or never interacted with you) and it makes you feel jealous. You might blame the other man/woman, accuse your spouse for flirting and feel completely let down, even betrayed.
3. There's money worry, and there seems to be too much month left at the end of the money. Your spouse wants to go on holidays or even worse, they've just had an accident, and need extra dental work done. Their insurance doesn't cover dental work and you need to borrow money to pay for the work. You feel hard done by, tired and resentful.
All these cases have left the spouse number one feeling less than good, and they feel like they're out of control, powerless even. Spouse number two is there to listen to the grief from spouse number one, and things just escalate further.
In example 1. where spouse number one was not feeling appreciated, the fight was not about the actual trigger, which was the socks. It was about not feeling appreciated by others, doing things for others and trying to maintain tidy house. For what? - Appearances. So in fact, spouse number one was putting him/herself last at the chain of importance, and when spouse number two was selfishly leaving his/her socks around, spouse number one felt that they had never been given such freedom. The solution in this case is obvious; spouse number one needs to organise time for themselves to do whatever they feel like doing, and this will diffuse the situation. Spouse number one's relationship with self is one of belittling of self over others and as a result, until they learn to appreciate and love themselves and on top of that allow time for themselves, they will always be bothered with their spouse's vicious attack on their kindness - leaving smelly socks under the bed.
In example number 2. there is jealousy and feeling of betrayal. It's easy to get possessive about our spouses, but the bottom line is that if you truly love them - this kind of love entails no possession - you want what's best for them. The fact that you feel jealous means that you're trying to get the love, which you don't have for yourself; from outside yourself. I, personally, am not into open relationships and from my point of view, you're either exploring things together or you explore them apart. But knowing that I'm unhurtable, as I have a beautiful strong love for myself, I am, free to fully explore relationships to the deepest possible level without much need for drama. The only reason you'd ever feel jealous was if you didn't KNOW that you were loved, and the only way to KNOW that, is to love yourself. Once you really have fallen in love with yourself, everything else just falls into place, and you let go of a need to assert yourself into anyone else's experience and demand love from them. The love will just flow.
Example 3. - money worries. You feel you've worked very hard and then something happens and you feel you need to work even harder. It's easy to start feeling resentful, but the bottom line is that if you had felt more appreciative of this process called life and less in need to spend all the money coming in to make yourself feel good, you now would have some money put aside to pay for the dental work. To put aside 10% of all income to savings might not be much, but it all adds up. You might be blaming others for having unexpected outgoings, but perhaps the person to look at is yourself and your instant gratification style spending habits. The real question is: why do you feel you need to have instant gratification in the form of spending? It's an addiction as anything else, and the only cure for an addiction is self acceptance, appreciation and eventually self love.
So as you can see from all these examples, the ultimate solution for all problems with your spouse is you. Start with you, get to know yourself, love yourself, allow yourself the freedom to do what YOU want to do and see your relationships evolve to a new level.
Practising over time will help to solidify this new and good-feeling place of creation and every time you feel you're being hooked back into the old "stuff", just remove yourself from the situation, meditate love and appreciation in yourself and then see if the issue really is that big of a deal any more. You'll be pleasantly surprised!
Love self ~ Love each other
Appreciate self ~ Appreciate each other
Free self ~ Be free together
With much love,
M
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