It often shocks people when I tell them that “it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you feel good about yourself”. If my partner has to change in order for me to feel good, something is very seriously wrong.
I’m not saying that the relationship cannot evolve into a lovely dance for two with some flexibility, but to compromise our core selves for someone else will always come to bite us in the backside. Being flexible and looking for win-wins is very different for one compromising themselves and their values for the benefit of another.
Often times a win-win is possible, once we understand a few things.
A lot of us, when we are in a relationship, tend to become more or less dependent on our partner to make us feel good. It’s a very conditional love that we live when we need our partner to make us feel happy, but more importantly, the whole vicious cycle makes us more and more disempowered as time goes by.
In the beginning of each relationship, we tend to focus on the positives in one another. We see the smallest gestures as the most wonderful thing, and our partner has the ability to elevate our mood regardless of any other circumstance.
As time goes by, however, we usually need more and more gestures from our partner to make us feel good and soon there aren’t enough loops for them to jump through to make us happy. We may ask them to behave in a certain way, we may ask them to dress in a certain way, and we may even ask them to cook/clean/iron in a certain way, just so that we can feel happy.
The same works in reverse. When your partner is asking for you to change so that he/she can feel happy about themselves without a win-win outcome, they are asking you to compromise yourself for their sake. Many people, unfortunately, choose to compromise themselves in the name of avoiding conflict, and as a result they never allow their true self to come forth in the relationship.
Of course, the bottom line is that unless you can freely be the full expression of yourself, you continue put your “watered down” self forth to the relationship. When you are playing out the “watered down” version of yourself, your true magnificence will never shine, over time you become suppressed to varying degrees and the relationship, as it’s not based on truth, will eventually fold or lead us to chronic illness patterns. If unattended, the gap between who you have become accustomed to be and who you really are only tends to just naturally widen over time, until it becomes irreparable.
Get to know yourself, and then from that knowing and loving of self, you start to appreciate others as they are. The same is true for your partner. Support their growth and self-exploration, and your partnership can only grow stronger.
The best thing in a situation where your partner is not well in themselves is to listen to them, allow them to understand that you’ve heard what they’ve said (whether you agree with them or not) and try to help them find solutions for their problems, if they’re looking for them. Trying to offer solutions to a person who is not looking for them is not only a waste of time, it tends to lead the conversation to another rut, and turn it into an argument on another topic.
No solutions can be found at the thinking/feeling level of the problems.
When you (or your partner) do not feel well in yourself, retreat into your own company and deal with the underlying issue at hand. It’s never about “the thing”, but rather an issue that has been percolating within you. The surest sign of a long-standing, irritating issue is when you become reactive and irrational about something as trivial as how your partner brushes their teeth or how they drive. It’s important to understand that whether you’re feeling happy or sad, it’s always self inflicted, no exceptions.
While I’m all for expressing your opinions freely and “letting it rip”, I would always encourage people to do it in the privacy of their own company, or a trusted friend; I never do it in the presence of the other person involved. I try to never discuss any problem with that other person until I KNOW I’m ready to really hear what they have to say. If you both can come to the table from the point of view of hearing one another, you start to build more common ground and you’ll start to be (maybe even for the first time) really honest about yourselves and your feelings.
This is where healing truly happens – in self and in partnership.
True happiness in any relationship starts from within. It’s truly an inside job. Unless you’re happy in yourself, the good-feeling external validation will soon wear off and be replaced with feeling of longing for “how much happier we were in the beginning of the relationship” and “how much more he used to care about me”.
My disempowerment in any relationship can be lifted when I accept myself as I am and start to really appreciate myself and my values. When I realise, that I have the key to my own happiness, the need to make THAT ONE PERSON conform to my values dissipates. There are more suitable lovers in the universe than is understood, but until you’re willing to see them, you won’t. Whatever you focus on, you’ll see. So why not start to look for evidence of divinity in self and others around you?
The bottom line is that ANY relationship can work out, once we both are willing to come forth to the table with an open mind, but most importantly, with an open heart.
I’m not saying that the relationship cannot evolve into a lovely dance for two with some flexibility, but to compromise our core selves for someone else will always come to bite us in the backside. Being flexible and looking for win-wins is very different for one compromising themselves and their values for the benefit of another.
Often times a win-win is possible, once we understand a few things.
A lot of us, when we are in a relationship, tend to become more or less dependent on our partner to make us feel good. It’s a very conditional love that we live when we need our partner to make us feel happy, but more importantly, the whole vicious cycle makes us more and more disempowered as time goes by.
In the beginning of each relationship, we tend to focus on the positives in one another. We see the smallest gestures as the most wonderful thing, and our partner has the ability to elevate our mood regardless of any other circumstance.
As time goes by, however, we usually need more and more gestures from our partner to make us feel good and soon there aren’t enough loops for them to jump through to make us happy. We may ask them to behave in a certain way, we may ask them to dress in a certain way, and we may even ask them to cook/clean/iron in a certain way, just so that we can feel happy.
The same works in reverse. When your partner is asking for you to change so that he/she can feel happy about themselves without a win-win outcome, they are asking you to compromise yourself for their sake. Many people, unfortunately, choose to compromise themselves in the name of avoiding conflict, and as a result they never allow their true self to come forth in the relationship.
Of course, the bottom line is that unless you can freely be the full expression of yourself, you continue put your “watered down” self forth to the relationship. When you are playing out the “watered down” version of yourself, your true magnificence will never shine, over time you become suppressed to varying degrees and the relationship, as it’s not based on truth, will eventually fold or lead us to chronic illness patterns. If unattended, the gap between who you have become accustomed to be and who you really are only tends to just naturally widen over time, until it becomes irreparable.
Get to know yourself, and then from that knowing and loving of self, you start to appreciate others as they are. The same is true for your partner. Support their growth and self-exploration, and your partnership can only grow stronger.
The best thing in a situation where your partner is not well in themselves is to listen to them, allow them to understand that you’ve heard what they’ve said (whether you agree with them or not) and try to help them find solutions for their problems, if they’re looking for them. Trying to offer solutions to a person who is not looking for them is not only a waste of time, it tends to lead the conversation to another rut, and turn it into an argument on another topic.
No solutions can be found at the thinking/feeling level of the problems.
When you (or your partner) do not feel well in yourself, retreat into your own company and deal with the underlying issue at hand. It’s never about “the thing”, but rather an issue that has been percolating within you. The surest sign of a long-standing, irritating issue is when you become reactive and irrational about something as trivial as how your partner brushes their teeth or how they drive. It’s important to understand that whether you’re feeling happy or sad, it’s always self inflicted, no exceptions.
While I’m all for expressing your opinions freely and “letting it rip”, I would always encourage people to do it in the privacy of their own company, or a trusted friend; I never do it in the presence of the other person involved. I try to never discuss any problem with that other person until I KNOW I’m ready to really hear what they have to say. If you both can come to the table from the point of view of hearing one another, you start to build more common ground and you’ll start to be (maybe even for the first time) really honest about yourselves and your feelings.
This is where healing truly happens – in self and in partnership.
True happiness in any relationship starts from within. It’s truly an inside job. Unless you’re happy in yourself, the good-feeling external validation will soon wear off and be replaced with feeling of longing for “how much happier we were in the beginning of the relationship” and “how much more he used to care about me”.
My disempowerment in any relationship can be lifted when I accept myself as I am and start to really appreciate myself and my values. When I realise, that I have the key to my own happiness, the need to make THAT ONE PERSON conform to my values dissipates. There are more suitable lovers in the universe than is understood, but until you’re willing to see them, you won’t. Whatever you focus on, you’ll see. So why not start to look for evidence of divinity in self and others around you?
The bottom line is that ANY relationship can work out, once we both are willing to come forth to the table with an open mind, but most importantly, with an open heart.
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